CANYON LIFE

Morning Page

2010-07-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I just took my walk down to Marine Park and back. The morning is a little cool. It is mid-July, and still the mornings are cool. We may not have summer this year. I feel dissappointed with many things right now. I know I'm supposed to be looking at the positive, keeping a journal of all the things I love and appreciate. I know I love my sweetheart and my cat, my child and grandchild, sister, etc. But what I don't know is how much I love myself. I've read that that is what needs to come before a love for anyone else. However, this doesn't ring true for me--what does ring true is my subservience to others, or what I might call service. I do serve and that is good--at least some folks would say that that is all there is, service. I think my sister told me that once. She was speaking about service to God--since I was raised in a Christian family--service to Jesus, to doing things properly and with respect to the divine. I can embrace this still, at least to a higher good, but what I don't know how to do is protect myself from what is harmful. Lately I've been thinking that my learning isn't about protection it is about my own behavior. That when the energy comes around me that will take me away, I need to say no right away--end of question. But instead, having grown up with abuse, what happens is the energy that will eventually hurt me appears as benign, as exciting, as something that will thrill me. And it will, at first--nothing but good old fun, and then later, well.... Now I'm exhausted, not from being hurt physically but from being put down ever so suttley. I mean it's hard enough to not put myself down, but to listen to it outside my head--I'm not neat enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not organized, when I'm around all chaos happens. THis may be true for me, I'm a bit chaotic, but I want to think of this as my charm, as the cuteness of me. I will always be this way, there is not getting around it. I don't want the shame. THis is my job, people always tease me. Someone says it's the way I speak, someone else says it's my big hair, someone else says.... But what about my art, I'm magnificent. Can I believe that about myself? I'd like to.

When I eat at the park I let the sun run through me like the metaphysical light that you're supposed to brighten your aura with. Clean out the odd stuff that has clung to you. It feels good, that an all that water ions that wosh around you while you listen to the gulls squawking. Last night I was down there, just a quick jont down the road, and I took the leftover pancakes that my grandson wouldn't eat for breafast. It was sweet, how the gulls came in and ate pancakes for dinner. Anyway, the water sooths me. I need this soothing, I get so riled up. Maybe it's Uranus in Aries now. Maybe it's riling us all up. Not good for the energy system.

Okay, so I'm signing out with the question--how do we see ourselves as loving, perfect, adored. Then no one will come in and put us down.

Nance

Art for One

2008-10-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

Georgia O'Keeffe was told by Steiglitz that she shouldn't have children because it would interfer with her artistic life. Perhaps husbands do too. Perhaps that's why she left him behind in New York and took off for Taos, New Mexico. She needed to paint and she couldn't do it while having to doot on her hubby, too.

This is ringing loud and clear for me. I know I'm getting my creative work done now that I'm a single woman. Now I don't have to stop and get dinner on and get the house picked up because he'd be home in an hour. The thing I miss, however, is him. I miss him sitting with me at the dinner table, curled up with me on the sofa watching a good movie, curled up in bed on a stormy night.

Of course there are many things I don't miss. I'm not advocating sticking with a miserable marriage. I think Dr. Phil is right--the only thing worse that twenty two years in a bad marriage is twenty two years and a day. I could have gone without the extra three years, but honestly, I didn't know what to do--I was in graduate school at the time. I was working my tush off writing a novel. I couldn't try to get with attorneys and mediators and change all the insurance policies, move my stuff and still get off 8 mailings out in a year and read twenty-four books and write critical reviews (three pages each on each book) as well. It was impossible. Plus during that time, he said he wanted to recommitt to the marraige--and me. I think he meant he wanted to be committed--plain and simple. I should have taken him up on it.

Well, is anyone besides me worried about the economy and how that will affect the follow through on the ex's maintanence payments? I'm dedicating myself to my art--good novels make money. I can do it--I really believe this. What are you dedicating yourself too?

Okay then, tell me what you think.

Nance Romance

Single

2008-10-05T10:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, yesterday I took a new stance, that I could be happy, that I could move on and love again. Rome wasn't built in a day...is that the saying. Well, last night I dreamed that I was with my ex and then I realized it was 8:30 and my class was starting. I ran home, knowing I'd be a half hour late, unable to fathom how I'd let this happen. Then when I got home, my home wasn't there. All the houses looked somewhat familar, but none were mine. So there I was frantic, running to the back, folks were eating dinner on their back porches, families. I ran past and then the alarm went off. Well this is telling, don't you think. I'm alone now. And I pretty much think it sucks, but I'm going to change this thinking. All this time I have now to really make my life like I want it and then later, when I meet someone I will love, I'll be ready. Happy, Happy, Nance

Alone

2008-10-04T22:59:00.001-07:00

Okay, enough is enough. I was thinking I had to be all the way healed, you know, not weeping at the drop of a hat, before I forged my way into the dating scene again. But now I'm thinking sitting home feeling blue sucks big time. He's on with a new life, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world, why should I suffer alone. I say, go have fun. Have some laughs. Get back into the game. Here's a little book that might help Getting Over Him Yes there is a time to consciously decide to live again. Before that there is the grief, and it will still come up. But the thaw is a happy time. It means the days are longer, the air warmer. Life is good.

Quit Claim

2008-10-03T08:10:00.001-07:00

Once you have your property divided there are papers you can fill out and file with you county that will move your property into your name. This is what is happening for me right now. And I'm completely freaked out by the whole thing, I mean I just got my tax bill, and the insurance bill. I know this is pathetic, but really I depended on him so much. I think the think that two people households don't realize is how much the other person does. I know we complain, he doesn't do enough around the house, and he complains that we don't do enough--he's doing it all--well at least in my case, making most of the money. It wouldn't have mattered if I had a larger practice there, he would have cheated anyway. Cheaters have impulse control. Okay, this has to be short today, because I need to get to work. Check out the book Why Men Cheat You can get it at Amazon.com.
Peace,
Nance

Details

2008-10-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

There are so many details to take care of, and I guess I might have it easy in some ways, since my ex is taking care of some of them. But I got it in my mind that he isn't thinking of me much, and mostly he's spending time with his new gal. I think I made a shift in all this, to not read him the riot act, not to punish, but just because I'm so incredulously shocked by the treatment I've been getting, but to just say I want peace and to be friends. This isn't entirely untrue, but for some reason it seems to be getting me further in tying up the details.

Yesterday I secured new insurance—for the condo and the car. Together they are $70 more than before, mostly because I'm in a different county, not because I'll be single soon. My advice is, if you are working out the details of your expenses, be sure to call your insurance agents first. It's not a given that your policy will remain the same. Your support payment could be calculated low. So be sure you know what you are in for before you go to mediation. If you go to mediation, that is.

Now for the folks who think they are helping you, if they use jargon on you or say you are being controlling to want him to behave a certain way, just ignore them. THere is no point in getting riled up--there's been enough of that. You will do what you have to do. And if he won't talk to you, then get the lawyer to. Yes this does cost more money--and I see now why the ex was served with papers so many times. He wouldn't talk to her. It wasn't a treat when I told him that. Really it is he that is being controlling.

Moving on with life is tricky. There is no one to share the ups and downs with at night, while sharing a cup of tea together. Well, I should say there is no one in my life to do that with, and personally, I feel to raw to be doing that right now anyway. I can't sort what is true about how I feel, and what is the smarting of the injury. So let the injury heal and then move on to the next thing, learning to love again.

Okay, that's it, I guess for today. Hope you are feeling well and getting enough sleep.

Nance

Letting Go

2008-09-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know the answer to this, how do you let go, but I think forgetting is part of the healing process. Those bad fights that we had, I can go right back into a memory of his face or my own shock, or the long lonely hours after the blow up. Our fights were over small things, it seemed; however, there was this other thing going on beneath the surface. The elephant in the living room a therapist said. No one is talking about this thing, we just keep walking around it.

In my breakup, the elephant was his sexual desires, which went outside of my comfort zone. I didn't know what he wanted, I mean we'd been married a long time, but when I found out what he had in mind, I was pretty surprised. I thought we had a comfy little marriage where we went along with Sunday morning cuddles and coffee in bed, light chatter, giggles, playing under the sheets. I didn't know about the porn, etc. I didn't know about the other women. I didn't know many things about him. This has been the hardest part of the whole thing--I was duped.

It would come to a shock to anyone. I'm thinking of the one Oprah show I watched when they interviewed a serial killer's wife. I'm not saying that's what happened to me, just that how she lived her life with him unaware of what was really going on. Now many people, including Oprah, say that the wife knows when the husband is cheating. I have to tell you I didn't know. Honestly. I did know he'd cheated on his first wife, but I just thought that was a product of the marriage, not his way in the world, to not be straight forward, to not be intimate, to be passive agressive.

Divorce is hard. It's harder than a death, some say. With a death there isn't the possibility of seeing the person again, nor is there the wishing for them to be back in your life--it's all a mistake, right? Wrong, if it's over, save face and let go. Save your heart, too.

I want to know how you let go. I am trying not to think of him, to keep myself busy, to begin dating again. Are there other things. Brain surgery, perhaps? Let me know.

Peace to you,
Nance

How Did I Get Here?

2008-09-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

This is the question I'm asking myself. How did I get to this place in my life--living alone, feeling dissatisfied, lonely; doing things with friends that fill the emptiness but don't make for a life that is full and enriching. I'm just tired, that is all. Tired and sad that things went the way they did. In my case, the end results started way back in childhood, raised in an alcoholic family and sexually abusive. It was a long time ago, I know, but it is only now that I realize how it underlies all my motivation--all the things I've tried for in my life have a teetering underpinning. Abandonment and false hopes.

How do we move one? I'm saying we, because I know I'm not the only one out there that is heart wrecked by the demise of a loving partnership. My question to all of you and to myself is, how do we come home and stay steady with what we need to be happy. How do we sit with the satisfaction and have that build, a block at a time, into a stable inner core? I don't know the answer, but I'm going to suggest trying recognizing the good as good. Saying this is good and not let the inner critic take it away.

I just got back from the Diablo Downtime and have fallen deeply into grief. The canoe ride this morning was beautiful and yet beneath the experience I had of paddling, being with my friends, having a glorious sunny day to experience, I was in the tentative place. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm frightened. And I'm ready to feel the fullness of my experience gathering together into something of value.

Okay, let me know what you think. I'm interested.
Nance

Tuxedo Cats

2008-09-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed a woman had two tuxedo kittens to give away. I've been thinking about getting a friend for Sid, since he's so social--I think he's mad at me for being gone as much as I am. This weekend I'm away at Diablo Lake for down time. Although I'm not very relaxed and I'm thinking about Sid and my own bed. I also dreamed of the ex--he asked that we be together in God's way--like we were supposed to. I just said no way and walked away. I guess this is a good sign, since part of me still wants him. I'm beginning to think that part is the part that wants the emptiness to go away. I was talking to a friend about the emptiness and we decided we just need to be supporting each other--with out a partnership it is difficult to feel the love. Ultimately it has to be felt for the self. I know this--still it is a process, learning this vulnerability.

I'll write and hike today, those are good down time events. And I'm reading my artist way book. I'll start painting soon. Also I want to make some personal shrines. A spiritual practice is a good idea--for anyone, it could be the answer to the emptiness.

New Moon in Libra

2008-09-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

Monday is the new moon in Libra. My favorite astrologer, Stephanie Austin says: "The next New Moon forms on Monday, September 29 at 1:12 AM PDT at 7º Libra. Libra is the sign most concerned with balance and equality, partnership and peace. Its shadow side is codependency and mistaking appearance for substance. This New Moon brings our attention to what we really want and whether we are being motivated by fear, fantasy, or truth."

So I guess where we are giving too much, we can find balance, being sure of our motivations for giving. I had a husband of many years who gave to me out of duty, not out of love. Well, if it was love, it was convoluted love. I guess for my own healing, believing it was love would be a good thing. Then I could settle into my heart in a different way. A satisfied way--afterall, it was a long marriage.

I'll be finally divorced completely--you know there's that waiting period where you're divorced but not. So on the 13th of Novemeber I will be. And I look forward to it and I don't. I mean, there is a comfort to being married. There is a secure feeling that goes along with marriage. Although now I'm beginning to think that is a fantasy, because my husband was always cheating, always thinking there was someone out ther better than me. That just turned me into a bitch and of course, made it true. There was someone who would just doot on him and give him anything he wanted. Make him the king. But what about me.

Well now I'm on a mission to find love. First and formost for myself, and the with someone else. I've taken alot of abuse in my life time and now I'm not going to. That is that. You are my whitness. I won't take it any more--which means, I won't let it happen to me, because I'm as special to me as my grandbaby is.

Ah, I'm missing him today. He's with his other grandparents. Everyone makes him feel special, lucky guy. He's a beaut. And I'm on my way to the North Cascade Institute for some down time. I need it. THe last three years have been hell. It takes some time to recover--divorce is such a loss.

One of my recovery methods is doing the The Artist's Way. I've done it twice before, once for me and once with a group of women. It is a good process to see where one wants to go but stops oneself. To let go of perfectionism around art. Just this morning I was reading about shadow artists. Perhaps I've been a bit of a shadow artist for most of my life, why, I think because I was told I'd never make any money at it. You have to do work that makes you money, that was the credo in my house. Not work that you love and feel passionate about. No, money, money, money reigned. Well, it feeds you but doesn't buy happiness, that's for sure.

Okay, I'm sore today from Pilates. Do any of you do that for exercise? I've just started. It's hard work, all those tiny inner muscles—yikes. They're me biting today.

More later,
Nance